Some words about Christmas

I'm too young to appreciate Christmas.

There are several thought about its importance the one I hear most of the time is the Holiday of Family and Love.
Thank God I'm living in a normal family without alcoholism, child beating and disease problems. I wish I could say it is normal but as I look around myself I have to admit that this is The exception. So for me, Christmas is just another day with presents.

These had been the thoughts of mine until the evening arrived.

And then and there, in front of the christmas tree with the Youtube playing religious and traditional Christmas songs, something happened.
In me.

Photo by Alorn

Above all

One day I will pack my things, go to a deserted place somewhere in the North and watch this with hot tea in the hands, wondering about what to write next on my blog. By the way, what? :D

Copyrights and all that stuff: © MTI - Mohai Balázs

I'm listening to that song again

Too early to think, too early to explain,
Too cold to freeze, too cold to remain.
I'm listening to that song again.

Hard the truth is
That I do miss
Those moments in vain.
I'm listening to that song again.

Wicked waves of the ocean
Tells me an emotion
Of summer in Spain.
I'm listening to that song again.

Time to run against the wind,
to learn how to live with new situations, new environment.
And I'm listening to that song again...

Photo by mattonime

Hole

The pipe that connects the tap and the shower head broke a few weeks ago. So in order to have an acceptable shower I had to turn the water pressure to the maximum but still it was more like when a cat licks itself all over than a real shower. A huge amount of water just poured out of the hole.

Isn't it familiar? Just to receive something enormous efforts have to be made. And in the end you still miss the staisfaction. But since we are living in a consumer society I bought a new pipe.

Fortunately people can not just thrown out and you can fill the whole hole in.

Sweet November

November tell me, tell me what's your secret. Every year you are special for me. Not only because I have my birthday with you but because you give me way too much experience compared to the others.
November you are rude. You wildly smash the door of autumn and blow your frozen breath into the room.
November you are melancholic. The soft fog that occupies the city at every morning and the weak effort of the woozy sun to break, seems nothing to you.
November you are harsh. Always delivering the hardest punch to me where it hurts the most. Always.
November you are wise. You teach me things I don't want to know. But I have to.

November I love you. Especially for this year. It began like every month then an enormous crack came, a leaving flatmate, many tasks to solve, personal storms and then a returning flatmate again, with a new one into a house where nothing changed but everything is different.

Photo: http://blogol.hu/pikz/silima/b011_november.jpg

Moving out

Basically I haven't got anything against change. My family have changed homes 3 times in 10 years so I should be used to it. I changed home when I was 14 to go to a school 300 kms away from my hometown. Then I moved even further for the University. I called a Dutch city HOME for 5 months... 2000 kms away from my "place of birth". Then I got back to my country again to move to another flat in the university city where I spend most of my time. I call it Home too.
And now, I have to move again.

Of course moving out is never easy. You are not only leaving the things behind but you leave the memories there too.
The early mornings, the click of the boiler which signed that your tea is ready, the people who you welcomed there, the memory of the first cooking, the never-ending studying in exam periods, the color of the dawn on the bedroom's wall, the time you spent in the sofa dreaming about something, the small sighs of someone in your bed next to you...

Reconstruction

Reconstruction is the era in the life of the United States when the government was focusing on repairing the after-effects of the Civil War.
Just like in history we all have an age of reconstruction from time to time in our life. There are different types of it. Sometimes fixing some elements is enough, the other time a few parts is needed to be changed and there are those occasions when destroying the whole building is inevitable.
The fall is spectecular and loud, the smoke it causes is stifling, the tiny parts of the smog enters your lung and for a while breathing becomes hard and painful. The building site is full of with ruins, once called "home". A bodeful dark age rises from the ashes with brutish raiders who know no mercy.
And you love it and think you deserve the wild nights, the things you allow yourself to do. However you hurt others.
From the very first and smallest sand dusts the reconstruction begins. There will be a strong castle again which will stand the test of time.
With the experiences you gained but without the parts of the old-castle.
Photo: The building site by Kiwishake

Simpleism

"It's feeery simple" said my Dutch football coach whenever he explained something complicated. Without recognizing he invented the name of a new lifestyle; Simpleism.

Simpleism is the very simple and comfortable way to survive your days. Remember that any kind of sacrifice is forbidden and not welcomed thus it's in vain. There is always an ordinary and accepted way to deal with things.

Why build a house if it can be bought? Why do physical exercises if fitness can be bought? Why change something if it can be ignored? Why have a desire if it's hard to reach? Why think about yourself it it hurts? Why follow your heart if it's unusual and unappropiate for everybody else except you?

See? It's very easy! As easy as letting a rose die on a working desk.

So simple that there's no photo this time.

Broken reality

I love disappointing in You. It always puts me back to the track. And helps me to unify those broken glasses of reality.

Travelling

Do you know the feeling when you get on the train, choose a cabin where there are 4 other people and you feel uncomfortable? You have disturbed their personal space.
A few minutes later the next stop comes and another passanger enters the cabin. Now he is THE stranger and HE is the one who has disturbed YOUR personal space.
You get off at the next station. From A you got to B. You have progressed via the train driver's effort.
From the view of the train-driver nothing happened. It was just a stop and he still got 5 hours of work with unfaced passangers and same stations.
We all have train drivers in our life and sometimes we become one of them. And sometimes even the train driver needs someone to get him/her from A to B.
To progress and to see the difference between passangers and stations.

Photo: Handrail by fernangi

Fading memories

This paper looks quite antic. In fact it's not more than a few months old I just didn't pay attention to it. First the material itself becomes vulnerable due to the bad conditions of the storage. Then small cracks appear on the paper to grow. From this point we are only one step away from the spilled coffe on it. Again by our mistake.
Some things happen with great intensity where everything is exaggerated; feelings, problems, happiness, love and hate. But as soon as you quit it it's only the same again (after an over-exaggerated period).
Day by day these memories are slowly turning into just an episode of your life. All the big feelings are gone and all the small cheery colours faded from it. It's just like this sheet of paper. With milk. The day begins.

"We all living in America"

Somehow I don't feel like going to America. In my vision it's a cold country. And I'm not talking about the temperature but the atmosphere of it.
According to an Indian economist society wants to have economical power first. Then the next generation wants political too. But the third one doesn't need them all. They turn to arts and the whole country becomes Europe: A Living Museum.
What emotions came into your mind if you say Europe? Culture, the Flag of the Europian Union, History, Knowledge, Science... Of course I consider myself a Hungarian primary but I hope that one day there will be a kind of pan-European identity which fuse the above feelings into one and I will think about myself as a European first.
American economy is sick. With the fall of the Lehman Brothers the symptoms of this infection became evident. Elections are ahead of us which will influence not only the U.S. but the whole world too. American culture is still strange and empty for me. The country falls into doubt. The rest of the world follows Her. Ticket prices are rising.

Photo: Snowstorm in Times Square. 22 January 2005. by Edward

Drama Drama Drama

Possibilities when you are surfing on Tv channels;

- I love you.
- But what about Robert?
- I don't care about Robert!
...
- I don't know who you are anymore.
...
- You have cancer.
- What??
...
- The left wing is on fire, I repeat the left wing is on fire we are going down!
...
- You have Aids.
...
- You killed my wife, now I will kill you!
...
- 3 people died 4 got injured in a car accident in...
...

Drama, drama, drama. Perhaps the biggest drama when we don't have real drama in our life and have to get it from a box called television.

Photo by Marc Janson

Falling cigarette

Party, music, kisses, dance,
Music, party, dance, kisses,
Kisses, dance, music, party,
All around me.

Standing near a column I understand that looking for a meaning in everything is hypocratic. Sometimes switching of and letting yourself with the waves is the right thing. I take a last sip from the beer and give myself back to the wild night.
The last gulp from my cigarette was hard and painful before I threw it away.

photo: Cigarette by hellagangsterx

Homesick?

Almost exactly a year ago I started my Erasmus life in Leeuwarden, The Netherlands. A small memoir with the help of Louis Armstrong:


Do you know what it means to miss New Orleans?

Do you know what it means to miss New Orleans
And miss it each night and day
I know I’m not wrong this feeling's gettin' stronger
The longer, I stay away
Miss them moss covered vines the tall sugar pines
Where mockin' birds used to sing
And I'd like to see that lazy Mississippi hurryin' into spring

The Mardi Grass the memories of Creole tunes that fill the air
I dream of oleanders in June that's when I'm wishing I was there

Do you know what it means to miss New Orleans
When that's where you left your heart
And there's one thing more
I miss the one I care for
More than I miss New Orleans

(click here to listen the song...)

A new begin

As the nights get colder and Tv channels start their regular series again, we all come to the conclusion that summer draws to the end. Small, annoying problems seep back into our life as the holidays are over. From the dream- and cocktail-chilled beaches of imagination, we are returning to reality. But, as Dido says in her song "I still got sand in my shoes". I put away these small motes for those typical rainy November days to give back to you as many as I can.

For my few regular and some occasional readers I thank you a lot. You guys are supporting this blog.

Photo: Sand by little-pretty

Summer break

Yep, summer break again. See you soon!

Cooking

From raw materials such as paprika, tomato and things like that you will create something. Step by step, cut by cut you get closer to the final end. With each move the minute when you lean back with full stomach is approaching. But the whole method have to be organised. Otherwise you will lose time and probably the meal won't taste that good. Keep in my mind all vegetables and fruits have to be grown somewhere.
The "grey" weekdays are the product of forgetting this. That you can only be a whole person if you see and want to see those small little things which make life round. The smile from the shopkeeper, (even if it's part of the job) the playing children, the end of the work, the pleasent home, the task you will have to do (and will do) and the ability of recognising and grabbing the possibilities around you to lean back with the full stomach at the end of the day.

Changes

Life is not obvious in the world. Not in the West nor in Europe and of course not in the savannahs of Africa. People are coming and leaving, sometimes we recognise ourselves and our mistakes in them but we just turn our heads away 'cause we differ from them. We are Better.
But there is one thing we aren't able to see. That we are doing the same over and over again: Waiting.

Saying goodbye

One leaves, the other stays. That's how it works.
You can expect it but can never be ready for it. Suddenly the city gets too small, the street gets too narrow, the people get unimportant, the steps heavy, the elevator empty, the room silent, the clock loud.
But the bed is just too big for you.

Breath

One last look at the jury in front of you, one last overrun of the topic in your head and you take a breath. It's about to start...
Finally you have finished, everything is over, you did a very good job, proud is all over you. You sigh, but you are not happy. Just really tired...
The breath of yours get deeper and deeper as you are heading for the final turn, knowing that she is waiting for you at the other side of the corner. Heart is banging heavily...
Legs are shaking, sweat is cold, muscles are stucked, but no, it was only a bad joke. They know nothing. Breath. Relief...
5 o'clock in the morning the sky has a new promising color for the coming day, birds started their opera, wind is awakening to sign the rise of the sun. And you are sleeping next to me. The sweetest breath is yours.

Photo: I listen to that song again by Aurelie91

Euphoria at the end

I'm lyin' in my bed without any thoughts. The biggest problem is to get my newly-bought pendrive out of its package without moving. After some light attempts I realize that it's impossible. A few easy arguments following by some encouraging words and I manage to persuade myself to reach out for the scissors at the end of the bed. Now the previous problem reappears: How to cut the hard plastic without any effort.
Summer is falling softly on me...

Luck

Luck is a bitch.

She hardly makes a fair decision. Like a young girl in his early twenties, a wild innocent coquette. One day she smiles at you, on the other she laughs into your face with her freaky voice, bringing the horror of the Gothic castles. Then she put off you but her eyes are telling a different story. Bright, innocent, inviting eyes, 'Come and catch me'. And you fall in love again, giving her your best moments of your life...

But when she is yours! Then everything is wonderful, you tend to forget that its just a moment and it was HER who allowed it, not you who made some impressions in her.

Please don't be angry about Luck. She's just an innocent girl. She will never grow up and never will feel anything. But she will rush of your help when the building of your weekdays are collapsing. The forms are different; Sometimes it's a friend, sometimes it's a sudden good word and sometimes it's a fail. Just don't count on her.

Balance

Some say life is unfair. I say I don't know.

2 weeks ago many friends of mine rushed to help me although I did not ask for it. But opportunities were just falling into my hands like letters in automn, softly as the early sunshine in March, and I grabbed 'em.

The next week my world fell apart right in front of my eyes. I was unable to do anything, could not concentrate on things and was living in a different world. Even my phone broke. The wake-up call was a failure on an exam. A destructive party with the ones who mean a lot for me, and now everything back to it's original track.

Fresh, Fully determined, Self-confident and positive.

Next week? Come and I kick your ass!

That's the balance.

Missing

What does my love mean to you
if you no longer love me?
We should not dwell
On love that is past

I was your life's desire
One day long ago
Now I'm history
I can't face the change

If only we could make
our dreams come true
If only you would love me
as you did twenty years ago

How mournfully we watch
a love that ebbs away
heartlessly a part of the soul
is torn away

Lyrics: Buena Vista Social Club - Veinta Anos (Translation)
Picture: Clean ©2008 *Eliara

On the way

There are times when you have time to think. Of course not when a giant jellyfish is being thrown to your face, but still these times do exist.

The picture can have a few atmosphere. It can be a cold winter night with the naked stars looking down on the frozen ground where even the thoughts are frost not mentioning the breath of each of us...

It can be a summer night, spicy smells of trees, flowers and parties are coloring the air and the few bottle of beers you drank are calming your mind...

But it can also be just a bad-exposed picture.

Versos para ti (Poems for you)

Sitting on the sides... xx

Sitting on the edges of the Nothing... xx

Laying on the edge of Nothing
Trapped in telling... xxx

Laying on the edge of Nothing
Trapped in whispering
The name of you... xx

Laying on the edge of Nothing
Trapped in whispering
The Call of you
Sinkink in the orange wilderness
and the xxx

Laying on the edge of Nothing,
Trapped in whispering
The Call of you,
Sinking in the orange wilderness,
With this strange awarness;
Not to get too closely.
It can be deadly.

When a pictures says a thousand words

Copyright: AP

Thoughts at lunch

With my stomach awfully full I leant back terribly satisfied after lunch. I was smiling like a small kid and didn't have a thing in my head. Words just wandered through my ears and I did not care about them. They were like small blews on your face when laying on the beach and enjoying the roar of the ocean.

Then I activated myself and from the state of siesta I turned my attention to the others.

She's a nice girl, oh look at that shoes, yes she always wearing those terrific yellow skirt, then he turned to her and said, after he broke up and run away before he wore again that shirt with a green Martian on it, in front of their eyes who said this and that and how crazy is who thinks she is nice and can get away with that and those which are of course, terrible things in the eyes of this and this, I like him but he shouldn't do this and those little annoying things, and he could take a bath some times, but really I do like him just these things are making me angry all the time I feel I can not spend not even one more minute with him, but really, I like him...

For the first time since months I felt I did not belong to this group.

And I felt very lucky that I could have that wondeful dinner. Some people are dying because of hunger out there.

Photo By Charles C. Ebbets: Lunch atop a Skyscraper, 1932

Scratches

When the world conspirated against you,
When you miss everything,
The tram, the bus, the underground,
When just 1 minute, all you need,
And a good word,
When the last handrails are broken,
When you feel you are just standing
and watching as the things rush,
When chaos is pillaging in your mind
burning the sweet memories,

Lie down to the street and watch the blue sky.
And grab a beer. Tomorrow is close by.

Relativity

Everything is relative.

1000 euro can be a fortune. Coins, if you need a million.

A city can be huge. Village, if you have something to hide.

A slap can hurt. Not, if you've deserved it.

An hour can be very long. Just a moment in the morning if you lie next to me.

What should not be relative is YOU.

Don't wait for the others.

Don't change for the others.

Don't position yourself to the others.

Do not expect a thing.

It's just you.

Accept a suggestion but think it over.

Accept a helping hand, but don't beg for it.

Bitter disillusionment

Wake up!
I did think that I'm special for you. I did like to think that I'm your number 1.
Wake up!
Roaming on the fields of your own imagination is dangerous. You should have known it by now.
Wake up!
There's only Homo Economicus around. Giving the smallest it's possible but expecting the biggest profit.
Wake up!
Romeo and Juliet died. Noone would cross rivers, countries or oceans for you.
Wake up!
What did you expect? Roses and pure feelings? Afternoon walks on the boulevard with sunny-light breeze? Pleasent talks in cafeterias? Watching as the world peacefully passing by? Thinking about your soft touch? Feeling your hand in my hand?

How naive.
Would you cross rivers, countries and oceans?
I would.

Photo from Veronika by someone...

Moments like this

Knock knock.
If you look into it everything seems to be farther than it is. The whole view is smaller than it should be. The one at the other side of the door doesn't even know whether you are there or not. He/She is just a few centimeters away but still, untouchable. You have the choice.
But turn it over.
You go to a door and are about to raise your hand. One last check on your clothes, a dub on your hair, another last check with a deep breath.
Knock knock.
Hope you are there and waiting for me.

Choices

And what else do you need?

gfgf

One click and you change channels.

Another click and the Dvd player with your favourite music turns on.

Pick up the phone and you just a few numbers

away from those who you want to be with.

Choices are always in front of you. Whenever you make a decision you can not be sure that the right was chosen. Only time could tell whether it was good or not.

ghg

But until that, I change channels, put my favourite music on, and call my friends.

Connections&contacts

A bridge connects two worlds.

A bridge connects two cities.

A bridge connects two people.

Let me be your bridge.

(Photo by: MTI - H. Szabó Sándor)

I won't go home without you

Really, I will not.

Aims&Targets

All of us must have clear aims in our life. Otherwise days will pass without meaning, lunchs will be tasteless, hugs will be cold and work will be boring. Having something or somebody to work for will make sunshine sweeter, dawns fresher, work more enjoyable.

For this glass of water life is easy. It's so clear that it has no reason to fear. Who could harm such pure thing? Who could say just one strong word about this delicate material?

I like to think that there are things like this in today's world. Thoughts without any back door intents, feelings without wounds. But as I experienced there are no Romeos and Juliets anymore. They died in the moment they were created. Instead; interest, ratio and counting.

Currently I'm looking for a thing which I could work for. Is it me? Is it you?

(Photo by Meltem Taner, Antalya)

Day of misunderstandings

After the work of Friday afternoon I arrived home tired and exhausted and for some reason I had this strange feeling, called guilt. I didn't know why, it was just there.

Saturday morning I got up and started doing my things. I had several options for that day and all of them were promising. I arranged some kind of "date" around 6. Nothing special, it would have been just one meeting with a new person. After half an hour of late she finally arrived and gave a detailed expression why she couldn't come. It was a nonsense.

Ok, no worries, keep it cool, "keep it gangsta" I made up that I would invite someone who I owe a dinner. I called her up, but oops, no ingrediants in the shop and it was saturday night, almost everything closed, so another call; let's postpone it.

I didn't want to spend my dinner alone (I managed to do something from those things I had) so I called another friend but she totally misunderstood the whole "dinner thing" and the night turned out to one "I don't want anything from you" intellectual speech.

What could I do? Clapped my hands, tapped my shoulder, smiled and went left from the stage. Curtain down.

Flowers to the changing room please.

A rainy day

Waterdrips are knocking on my head, the wind is telling me things I don't want to know, ancient buildings are whispering sighs of centuries, a church not far from me is chiming, sounding something I fear, thoughts roaring in my mind.

For a moment I'm in love with that women.

Up and Down

Back and Forward. Putting huge amount of energy into something is dangerous. On the track you can easily burnout if success doesn't come as fast as you think you deserve and you will be nothing more than a Titanic. Or another idea can come and disturb you. Or just before the final movement the realization comes; you have been cheated. All the time.
Swings are the symbols of life. You take a big dash and for a moment everything is possible. Even that you miscalculated something. One last deep breath and go! But sooner or later the power runs out and you stop in the air with a despaired look (what have I done wrong?). A second later you find yourself even farther from your start. You can start it all over again with the knowledge that you will come back.
But you can jump out of the swing and live your own life.

Spring is coming

Nature is stupid. She creates something with wonderful garnish, popping buds, opening flowers, buzzing bugs and smelling air. Then she cares them with the summer sun and in the end she forgets about everything and just before winter she serves the falling-colorful letters with a mosaic world.
160 years ago Spring of Nations rose from the feudalistic world, spreading a new fresh breath of air throughout Europe. Fortunately history is not like Nature and we are still breathing this fresh air.

Early morning

Getting up and drinking your cup of coffee alone. Thinking about the next step, your future, and the dream of last night. Everything was perfect and the whole dream was covered by a smooth-smell. You felt you could lean back and that pleasant atmosphere would hold your back.
But a day started again, a new sun is shining at you through the window.
Getting up and drinking your cup of coffee alone. So intimate.